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05 januari 2004
Short-Term Memory
Teddy music: United Live - My God
Of late, I've been fervently wishing I had an extremely short-term memory when it comes to unwanted memories, thoughts and feelings.
Wouldn't it be nice if it were possible to be sad/angry/upset just for a few minutes and completely forget about it in five minutes?
My mind keeps on going like a broken record at times. No matter how hard I try, it keeps re-playing over and over again. There are times I just wanna rip my head off to stop the mess.
*crouches in corner*
I feel as if I'm in a phase of life that is somehow on the draggy side. Like my pet bro recently told me, "Why are you so gloomy lately?" I remember when my dad once asked me what had happened to the cheerful, bright kid I was when I was younger.
*cries*
This inner turmoil. These feelings. I don't understand myself much. Why? Always the question of "why?". The insecurities.
I read back through my old journals that I'd kept since I was about 8-9 years old. Heh, I've been keeping journals for over a decade by now. Wow.
Anyway, as I read it, I saw the person evolving. From a bright kid that believed in everything to an adolescent that had insecurities strung everywhere and had become cynical. I want to regain that youthful innocence that one can see in the eyes of young children. That sparkle in their eyes that makes you believe how really wonderful a place the world can be. I want to recapture that simple child-like joy. I want to be brave and fearless of the world like any kid who believes that they really CAN fly.
Somehow, fears and hard lessons learned have taught me otherwise. To survive in today's world, naivety is not acceptable. To be excited over the smallest things such as a tiny ladybird crawling on one's palm can be seen as being "childish". To completely let go of one's restraints (when not drunk) is seen as "going mad". Wanting to keep that fresh spirit of life alive is hard with the reprimands that come flying out of nowhere. "No, you can't be like that! It's unacceptable. You can't act like a child anymore. Grow up! Grow UP!"
That's probably why the story of Peter Pan can strike a chord deep within my heart. The child's pure innocence is slowly torn apart by the world's grasping hands that constantly demands maturity along with cynicism and passiveness. If I were with Peter Pan, I'd live forever in Neverland.
Compare yourself now and when you were say, 5-6 years old. Everything was new and exciting and held promises of hope. Do you still look through those same eyes of expectancy or do you view the world in the light of disappointments, worries and tiredness?
The phases of life we all move through. I think, for 2004, I shall endeavour to reclaim that child-like joy, innocence and sense of positive expectancy. That's a good New Year's resolution, eh?
Teddied by redphayze at 05 januari 2004 02:33
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Comments
you sure you want to live in neverland? and never grow up..?
not for me man... i can't imagine being a 19 year old forver...
Teddied by: tim at 05 januari 2004 22:47